Well guys, it’s officially been over a year since I’ve blogged. I’m sure your all asking yourself why Jackie? Why? Because life has quite literally kicked my ass lately. And is continuing to do so on almost a daily basis. I guess I should start off with where I left off in my life in December of 2016. I found I was pregnant somewhere around that last blog. And let me say we were shocked and scared and just in general not ready. Mostly because we had been attempting to prevent pregnancy. My pregnancy was rough. Like very rough. Vomiting for days. Dizziness. Anxiety. And two kids already kicking my butt. I wanted to post a blog when we found out the gender but well that never happened because that week was literally insane. The day we found out we were expecting a beautiful baby….
Obviously of no shock to anyone we were having a girl. Around the same time my Dad had surgery and my Mom was put in the hospital as well. Nora had her second birthday shortly after all of this. I wish I had blogged about her party but I was still so sick and life just kept hitting.
Shortly after her party my parents decided to get a divorce. Witch is something I haven’t really spoken to anyone about except my husband. It literally hit me harder then I ever expected it to. Keep in mind these are two people that my entire life I knew weren’t meant to be together. But it still hurt. And for some reason felt like my fault. And it hit my kids very hard. Especially Elli. So hard that we have struggled with her since.
After my parents spilt it was basically just weeks of going through everything at their old place and being so sick. My body tried to go into labor at 35 weeks but luckily they were able to stop it.
We managed to make it past Elli’s 4th birthday party!
Witch was a blessing! Because I was so worried she would be born on Elli’s birthday.
Her due date was fast approaching and signs of labor had kinda cooled off. So my OBGYN decided to induce me the night of my due date. And on September 20th 2017 Lorelai Grace was born!
I’ve really talked about my experience with her birth. It was very different for me emotionally. Literally the night I had her I felt so so so alone. Like I was so happy that this beautiful thing was mine and my husband’s. But I felt so alone. Like I had just lost part of me. And that part of me was now outside my body and I needed to protect it no matter what. Like I didn’t feel like me unless I was holding her. I spent the first few weeks after her birth not wanting her out of my sight because I thought she would die. Along with feeling so overwhelmed. I was so depressed. Elli was acting out about the events with my parents and having another sibling and I felt like I was slowly losing her. And Nora was adjusting to not being the baby anymore. I wasn’t sleeping because I was trying to breast feed and she wasn’t getting enough so she was basically latching 24/7 and screaming when she wasn’t latched. I felt like dying. I wanted to die. And I couldn’t stop the feeling. I just wanted to hurt myself to make me myself not feel at all.
I’m aware that it was postpartum depression. And I knew it was. So my husband convinced me to get help. My OBGYN changed my anxiety and depression medicine and recommended therapy.
I’m doing better now. Juggling being a mom of 3 is getting easier. And I’m slowly getting in a routine.
Christmas was great. My Mom spent it here with the kids and they had probably the best one they have ever had.
Christmas night was spent with the rest of the family. I was so busy that I didn’t take any pictures unfortunately.
We all had a cold on Christmas as well so no one was feeling well at all.
We went from Christmas until the last week or so with the cold to having a stomach flu. Witch today we are all just now getting over.
I’m wanting to start blogging again. I can’t say I’ll have a set schedule because life keeps getting the best of me but I’m definitely going to try and write at least once a week. I’d also like to start adding make up into my blog somehow. But we will see how that goes.
And as always stay beautiful. 💗