I think today’s blog is going to be about anxiety. Not what everyone thinks it is but the reality of it. I was diagnosed with anxiety/panic attacks several years ago and despite medicine, breathing exercises, and ER visits I’ve never found much that helps. I cannot stop them. I constantly have anxiety. I live with it everyday. I live in fear of things I can’t control and I’m unable to stop it. Honestly I’m over hearing “Just breathe” or “get over it”. Because you know what I can’t. I can’t just snap out of an anxiety attack or just stop worrying. I may be 22 but I have nights that I have panic attacks tell 2 in the morning and I feel like I can’t breathe, I feel out of control, my face tingles, I’m balling my eyes out, and the only thing that helps at all is my fiancé. Him telling me it’ll be okay is the only thing that even helps a little. I’ve learned I’m probably going to have this the rest of my life and that I’ll probably never be able to stop it. I don’t have the attacks everyday but when I do they are absolutely awful. After my oldest was born I went though a horrible time in my life where I had them every single day all day long. I took medicine. Didn’t help. I had support. Didn’t help. When I go back to that time in my life I feel like I can’t breathe all over again. One day I’ll write a post on what happened then but for right now that’s something I can’t think about without it triggering my anxiety. Last night I later down to bed with my fiancée after my youngest went to sleep and my mind went straight to anxiety and before I knew it I was having a full on anxiety attack. My fiancée woke up and attempted to calm me down even though he had no idea what was going on. Finally I was calm enough to try and explain it to him. Him holding me close is the only thing that helps at all. As soon as my anxiety had slowed down my 10 month old woke up screaming from gas. I then realized I had misplaced her gas drops. Finally she calmed down about 30 minutes later. I had just layer her down next to me in bed so she could sleep better I’d started to doze off and I hear my two year old screaming for Mommy. I wait to see if she’s going to go to sleep or if she actually needs me. She needed me. I cam in and she grabbed me and told me “Mommy I Need you.” And wouldn’t let go for about 20 minutes. Tell she finally took her hulks and went back to bed. That made me realize my job on this planet. To be these two beautiful little girls mothers. Anyway, stay beautiful!