Ask yourself if you’ve ever looked at yourself and not liked what you saw.
Most of us are going to say yeah. At least from time to time I think we all see imperfections in ourselves.Whether it be our hair color, our weight, our clothing size, our voice, or something completely different.
Lately I’ve been looking at myself and not liking what I see.
I have gained about 40 lbs since having Nora almost a year ago. This was a picture from our honeymoon that I am too ashamed to post anywhere. I’m the heaviest I’ve ever been and I really don’t know what to do about it. If I try and eat right I have blood sugar issues. If I eat what I need to to keep my blood sugar up I gain weight. Walking helps but I only seem to go up and down a few lbs. And I hardly have time for a gym with two kids who are mobile and want Mommy with them 24/7.
I honestly am at my worst with self esteem lately. I felt good about my body through my last pregnancy because I felt like I was at a good weight for myself and I was growing a child inside me. Maybe that’s why I’ve had baby fever lately. Because I’m okay with my body when I’m pregnant. But we definitely aren’t ready for another right now so that’s highly out of the question.
I pick apart every single picture of myself. Why? Because all I see is imperfections. My husband tells me I’m beautiful all the time and I know I am to him. I just need to see it in my own mind. Witch for me is hard. I don’t even know how to dress myself anymore. I’m too young to dress old but as a Mom and being heavier I don’t wanna wear short shorts and crop tops.
I never want my girls to feel like I have most of my life. I have always felt ugly or fat or some combination of both. Even when I was thin i thought I was ugly. So I try and tell they every day how beautiful they are. Because every girl deserves to hear how beautiful they are.
Elli came up to me the other day, lifts my shirt up, rubs my belly, and say “big belly.” She’s little and doesn’t understand that honestly my heart broke. I don’t want my kids to ever feel bad about how they look so I didn’t say anything to her. But I cried later when I was alone. Not because of what she said but because I hate feeling “big”. I hate when my Grandma tells me “you need to walk and loose that baby weight.” I just hate how I feel about my body lately. And I hate how everyone is seeing me as “big”.
My anxiety is probably to blame for how I feel about myself. But I’m going to try to get out and exercise soon and eat right. I’m just ready to feel okay in my own skin again. I’ve always been teased since middle school about my weight. The amount of boys who wouldn’t date me because I was “too fat” and the girls who told me “you can’t wear that with your body type” have stuck with me tell this day. The only time since I’ve been an adult that I was okay with my body was after I had my oldest but I was very depressed and had severe anxiety. Now that I’m at a good place in my life I don’t have the depression any more and I’m trying to control my anxiety but with that come weight gain. I eat the way I should and I gain no matter what I do.
Anyway, I’m going to end with this. Never let what other people think about you get in the way of your happiness. Trust me. It’ll stick with you for years. Even when you are happy people’s words will always stick with you.