Usually Don’t Post On Sunday…

Normally I try and not post on weekends and just spend time with family but today I’m feeling a little down. Not necessarily one particular reason but a few put together. Part of me always wants to believe in the best of people. Even when I know I shouldn’t. Probably why I get walked on a lot. I’ve always tried to keep myself tied in myself if that makes any sense. If I’m mad I’m most likely not going to come out and tell you I’m mad. I usually bottle it up until I have an anxiety attack. 

Part of what I want to talk about is how people treat my kids. I hate when people favor one of the other. Most don’t do it on purpose but some do. It breaks my heart every single time. I love my girls so much and when someone favors one more it just makes me wanna smack someone. Don’t like one of my kids photos and not the other. Don’t ask about one and not the other. Don’t buy one something and not the other. And sure as hell don’t compare them to each other. End of that rant before I say more then I should. 

The next thing is something I’ve talked about before. Today I’m having a hard time believing in myself. Somedays I feel like I can’t do anything right. I do one thing and someone tells me it’s wrong. I help someone and I’m wrong for doing it. I don’t help them and I’m being rude. I can’t win anymore. When I help and help and help I get told I should just be alone. I don’t see how I can be who I want to be and make people happy. I guess I can’t. I feel like I’m just rambling. But I need to vent somehow. Family makes me feel like I’m not good enough. My husband is the only one who believes in me. My friends well I don’t really have many anymore. And the ones I do have seem to blow me off all the time except a select few. Sometimes I just want to curl up next to my husband and not talk to anyone for days but him because everyone else makes me feel so low. 

You know my family has not once said something nice to me like good job or I’m happy for you or anything since I was probably 16. Honestly I feel like my family thinks I’m a failure. I’ve never said that to anyone before. Why? Because it hurts. I don’t even want to talk about how I feel because of it. My husband tells me how good of a mom I am and tells me he loves me. And I’m so grateful that I have him in my life. I would be so lost without him. Just sometimes it would be nice to hear it from my parents or my grandparents or someone. 

Anyway I’m going to shut up now.

Stay beautiful. 😔

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