Part of me.

Lately I haven’t really know how I’ve felt. That statement probably sounds kind odd. Especially if you aren’t in my head. Witch is a place no one wants to be.

I’ve been really struggling with body positivity, anxiety, and even some slight depression. Things I’ve definitely felt before. 

I am not the type of person who willingly likes talking about my feelings. So telling my husband I felt this was wasn’t easy. I cried a lot tell about two in the morning one night after the kids had gone to bed.

Don’t get wrong my life right now is really really amazing. I love my kids and my husband more then anything in this world and how I’ve been feeling has absolutely nothing to do with them. Everything is my demons. If that makes any since. 

I absolutely hate feeling the way I have been. I wish I could just make it stop. But it’s not that simple. To everyone who’s ever been told to just be happy or just stop having anxiety it really isn’t that easy. 

My doctor once taught me ways to distract myself when I’m having an anxiety attack. She told me to pick and object on the wall or just in the room with you and focus on it. To yourself or out loud name 10 things about that object. And repeat until it’s gone. 

Even though I know her intentions were amazing I can’t say it helped me at all. I can’t just flip a switch and think about something else. It’s not that easy for me. 

Everyone thinks that since I’ve delt with all this before that it should of just gone away. I’m sorry but it’ll never just go away. It’s a part of me. 

I have the hardest time just believing in myself. And anytime anyone says something about my parenting, my body, or my life in general I take it so personally and end up in tears and having severe anxiety attacks. 
I take everything to heart and I feel like that’s my biggest downfall as a person. I can’t just believe in myself and I let myself get hurt emotionally constantly because of it. 

Someone could say something as simple as “you’ve gained some weight” or “your not good enough” and I overly think every word of it and end up crying at 2 am. 

Sometimes I worry my husband thinks he should be able to help and when it keeps happening I feel like he thinks he’s failing and I never want him to think that. He helps me so much. He’s always calling me beautiful and telling me how amazing I am but I have a hard time seeing it myself. 

I’m just ranting I feel like but I need to get this off my chest somehow and this is the one place I can think of. 

I hate overthinking and how I’m feeling. Sometimes I just wish my mind would just stop and focus on all the amazing things in my life right now.

As always stay beautiful. 😘

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